Requiem Confutatis
by PaperGanstah
Summary: What Castiel would like to say to Dean if the souls of Purgatory hadn't consumed him first.


**Hey guys! This is the last time I will remove/ upload this story :o Sorry if you keep getting messages about it. I didn't know if anyone was reading it until I checked my email and saw it was favorited by some readers, so thank you guys!**

**-Paperganstah**

I still do not understand how it happened. It seems that there are many things on this earth that are…above my comprehension. You pointed that out to me often enough. But for some reason I never hated you for that. For your condescending jabs I paid you in shrugs or embarrassed silence. You do not even know the effect you have on people, Dean. Sam and Bobby never loved me like you did so I never allowed them the same free injustice. I remained silent to them but you should have heard all of the noise in my head. Why did you never see me? Standing there at your call to be not shoved to the side but ignored. Violence would be more welcome. A touch of your hand on mine or a smile my way would send me falling down towards earth and rip me from any business in heaven. You are so distracted by Sam. It is always about Sam and it has always been so. I know. Is it because he will always fail you and give you one of his messes to clean up? Something to do? You have chased your brother for so long without realizing that he will only run away from you again and again.

Don't you see that I have done this for us? I do not like to plot in the shadows and yet too often I find myself doing just that for someone else. All these long years I have lived and the only thing I have done for myself is to destroy the hosts of heaven for you. I am selfish in that way Dean. I must please you and I always fall short. I gave everything up for you Dean only to be forgotten when your battle was won. When I strayed from heaven I felt things that I never even knew existed within my heart. One look at you and I could feel the burn of the holy fire in your eyes trapping me in a ring of fire. I cannot leave you Dean and you will not let me stay! I have hidden things from you again but this time it was to save the world. I cannot leave and no angel would have me anyway. I spilled the blood of my own brothers for you Dean. Do you know how it feels to experience the actually physicality of murdering your own family? Not an indirect mistake but a methodical, cold manner. Yes we fought, same as you and Sam, and even your father. I have never had a father to even fight with Dean but I do understand the loyalty and possibly even the love between a family…I wanted you to be a part of mine even as I was watching the shadows of a sister's wings stretching across the ground upon her death. I thought when I had pledged myself to you completely that you would do…something for me. Anything from you. And I still feel like I walked away with nothing. Possibly even less than what I initially had in the beginning.

Heaven has been shattered into unrecognizable pieces when it used to have such a lovely order to it. I would take it all back if I could, but I know that my own pathetic heart would never let me leave you. What is it about you Dean that makes me want to sacrifice everything I have ever owned for you? I fear that I do not understand you. Or maybe it is worse, I possibly know everything there is to know about you. So much so that I can predict your next move. Throw me away. I can see it in your eyes. The same apathy that lived in there when I burned Michael and with a snap of his fingers Lucifer broke me apart. But I will tolerate no more. I have bound myself to you and to your cause…do you not see that everything I have done thus far is for you? Secret keeping has shown me how lonely I have become. I have longed to tell you everything Dean. But I was afraid to.

I can feel the restlessness of these souls I have gathered burning but trapped by flesh. The voices will make me mad, I fear. If I have not become so already. Please come with me Dean. Join me this time and we may rebuild the world together. The way it was made to be. A green world without the murmur of hell fire below it. Love me…and the world is ours. You do not have to lose me Dean, not if you do not chose too. This time I have won.

And in my victory I invite only you to join me.


End file.
